Chapter 105

The mother’s gaze fell back on Chen Xiao’s photo, and she asked softly, “What kind of person is this girl?”

“She’s a really nice person, after all, she comes from a very good family and has a very good upbringing.”

“And what about your relationship?”

“Our relationship… is also good. We’ve basically never argued since we started dating.”

How is her studying?

…

My mother stared at Chen Xiao in the photo, and I asked her a question and answered her in a calm voice, quietly sharing my past with Chen Xiao.

During the conversation, the mother suddenly sighed softly, her eyes gentle yet tinged with sadness: “My son has grown up.”

“Mom, what’s wrong? What’s wrong?”

I held my mother’s hand, feeling a little flustered.

The mother smiled and said, “What can I do? I’m just a little amazed. In the blink of an eye, my son already has a girlfriend.”

Seeing my mother’s smile, I forced a smile too, but it was too stiff.

My mother handed the phone back to me: “This girl is so outstanding. You can bring her over when you have time so I can meet her.”

I hesitated and asked, “Mom, don’t you object to me dating so early?”

Mom withdrew her hand, her slender hand slipping from my palm: “What’s the use of my objection?”

I wanted to say something more, but my mother didn’t want to talk to me anymore. She interrupted me, saying, “Okay, Mom is a little tired, and it’s getting late. You should go home and go to bed early.”

“Mom, I’ll stay here and keep you company.”

“No.”

I saw that my mother had closed her eyes, so I pulled the blanket over her.

I didn’t leave. Instead, I sat on the edge of the bed, gently took my mother’s hand from under the covers, and asked softly, “Mom, are you unhappy that I have a girlfriend?”

My mother didn’t pull her hand away from mine, letting me hold it.

She said softly, “From childhood to adulthood, Mom has always been proud of you. From when you couldn’t walk as a baby to now that you’ve grown into a person, I’ve always thought you were very well-behaved, obedient, and outstanding. Compared to your sister, you’ve made me much less worried. But Mom never expected that you… would have a relationship so early, and even… and so easily have a relationship with another girl.”

I remained silent, unsure how to answer my mother. Her words reminded me of my relationships with my sister, aunt, Chi Yan, and Chu Ning, which were filled with incest and taboo. If my mother found out, how would I face her?

The mother continued, “You’re so young, do you even understand what responsibility and accountability are? How could you so easily have a relationship with another girl?”

…

My mother said a lot, and at the end, she gently stroked my cheek, her voice soft: “Mom isn’t unhappy because you have a girlfriend. It’s just that the thought of my son, whom I’ve raised for sixteen years, belonging to another girl makes me a little…”

The mother stopped abruptly, her expression sad: “When you get married and Xixi gets married, I’ll be all alone at home.”

Hearing this, my heart ached. I had a thousand words I wanted to say, but I didn’t know how to start or whether I should even speak.

In that instant, I thought of my father again, the man who has almost completely taken away my entire life so far.

Deep down, my family is incomplete. My father is practically nonexistent in our home.

In the past sixteen years, I have spent very little time with my father, and we have only seen each other a handful of times a year.

It can be said that my mother raised my sister and me all by herself.

I’ve wondered before, if my parents had been loving and affectionate, would I not have developed such a twisted mindset and wouldn’t have had such taboo thoughts about my mother?

Will our family be a normal, happy family that everyone envies?

Unfortunately, there are no “what ifs”.

I held my mother’s hand tightly, looked straight into her eyes, and said firmly, “Mom, I will always be by your side, I will never leave you, never!”

Mom, I will accompany you in my own way for the rest of my life.

My mother gazed at me with her beautiful eyes. After a long while, she smiled gently, a smile of ease and contentment. She said softly, “Mom will stay with you for the rest of my life.”

My mother and I gazed at each other for a long time. Every moment, I felt an urge to confess my feelings to her, but when the words came out, I always lacked the courage.

My mother stroked my hair: “It’s getting late, go and get some rest. We have to travel tomorrow.”

I hesitated, reluctant to leave. I sat on the edge of the bed for a long time and said, “Mom, let me stay with you tonight.”

Mom shook her head and refused: “Let’s not. You’re so old now. Besides, it’s not appropriate for your sister Chi Yeon and your aunt to stay at home tonight.”

“So, does that mean I can sleep with you since Auntie and Sister Chi Yeon aren’t here?”

“Sweetie, stop making a fuss, Mommy is tired.”

Looking at the weariness between my mother’s brows, I said helplessly, “Okay.”

I understand what my mother is saying, but I can’t help but recall the night I held her naked in my arms and she slept soundly through the night.

I wonder when I’ll be able to relive that scene again.

After hesitating for a long time, I stammered, “Mom, could you kiss me before bed like you did when I was little?”

The mother was slightly taken aback, a hint of hesitation flashing in her eyes, after all, that kiss from when she was a child was on her lips.

The mother’s tone was slightly reproachful, her expression carrying a touch of girlish shyness: “You’re so grown up now…”

I held my mother’s delicate hand and shook it gently: “Mom, please, Mom, you haven’t kissed me in so long, okay?”

Upon hearing this, Mom blushed slightly, a hint of unease flashing across her face.

After my repeated pleas, my mother finally gave in: “Fine, fine.”

A look of surprise flashed across my face, and I immediately moved closer to my mother: “Mom, I’m ready.”

My mother stared into my eyes and hesitated again. I kept whining and urging her, and finally she gently cupped my face in her hands. Her warm and delicate fingers caressed my face, the touch so soft, like a gentle breeze.

I looked up at my mother. Her eyes were filled with a love that I knew all too well.

My mother lowered her head and kissed me, her cheek getting closer and closer.

I gazed into my mother’s eyes; there was only me in them, only me.

My mother’s breath grew closer. Then, I felt her soft lips gently land on mine.

In that instant, my world seemed to stop turning, and everything became so quiet.

My mother’s lips were soft and warm; her kiss was like a warm current, slowly flowing into my heart. It was a wonderful feeling that words could not describe. I could feel my mother’s love surging towards me like a tide, enveloping me tightly.

I instinctively touched my mother’s shoulders and back, and gently hugged her.

The kiss wasn’t brief, nor was it overly long; their lips remained slightly tinged, and by the time her mother left, a blush had crept onto her pretty cheeks.

My mother turned her face away, avoiding my eyes. Her tone was hurried, as if to hide her shyness and unease: “Is this alright now? Go to sleep!”

After receiving a kiss from my mother, I chuckled contentedly.

Feeling bad about bothering her mother any longer, she quietly slipped out.

Back in my bedroom, my sister had already left. I lay on the bed, unable to calm down for a long time, my mind filled with my mother’s behavior just now.

After thinking about it for a long time, I suddenly realized that a mother’s reaction to her son dating shouldn’t be like this.

The mother’s reaction was as if she had just witnessed her beloved suddenly making an official announcement, leaving her completely distraught.

I was so worried that I lost my focus. Looking at my mother’s pale face, I was only concerned about her. Only now have I realized how abnormal her behavior and actions were.

Thinking about this, an old thought resurfaced in my mind: Did my mother love me too? Did she also harbor forbidden feelings for me?

My mind drifted back to all the little things I shared with my mother. I remembered her using the excuse that the water heater was broken to come to my bathroom to take a shower, and I also remembered her various unusual reactions in the past, as well as her awkwardness and shyness when she was with me.

I felt a mix of surprise and joy, but also a bit of fear and apprehension, worrying that my idea was unrealistic and wrong!

I really want to confirm my own thoughts, to confirm whether my mother really has those kinds of feelings for me.

But how can I verify this? Ask my mom? But what’s the difference between that and confessing to her directly?

Does my mother love me? I don’t know. I’m not sure.

I tossed and turned in bed, unable to fall asleep for a long time, my mind filled with images of my mother.

Then I recalled my mother’s expression when she heard that I had a relationship with Chen Xiao. I thought, my mother probably loves me, right? Otherwise, she shouldn’t have reacted that way to my dating and sex.

A normal mother, upon hearing that her son is dating an outstanding girl, should first feel pride and honor; or be angry and upset because of the early romance.

Instead, one should not appear as pale, dazed, and absent-minded as one’s mother, as if stunned, as if one has suffered a severe blow to the soul.

Thinking about this, the courage I had lost began to resurface, and an impulse to confess to my mother resurfaced in my heart.

I want to tell her: I like you, I love you, not as a mother, but as a lover, as a man and a woman!

I want to tell my mom that although Chen Xiao and I are in love, you will always be my favorite person!

But then I started to feel afraid, afraid that my guesses were just my own delusions, afraid that my inferences were just my own wrong guesses.

If I were to impulsively confess my feelings to my mother, and she didn’t reciprocate those feelings, our relationship would plummet into an irreparable abyss.

I can’t imagine what it would be like if things came to that. How would I get along with my mother? How would I manage our relationship?

I thought and thought, my mind was in turmoil, and I couldn’t calm down for a long time.

Joy, loss, longing, worry—a mix of conflicting feelings swirled within me, causing me immense pain.

My emotions only calmed down when I heard the sound of running water in the bathroom.

I went to my desk, opened the drawer, and a box of condoms was right there in front of me.

I stroked the box of condoms and pondered slowly, wondering if it was right or wrong to admit to my mother that I had sex with Chen Xiao.

After much thought, I realized that Chen Xiao’s underwear had appeared at home. Whether I admit it or not, what does it matter to the end of my relationship with my mother, to deny having sex with Chen Xiao, or to lie to myself?

Whether you admit it or not, the result will be the same!